The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman

     A book recommended to my Pastoral Psychology class in RIETS, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is a marriage book unlike many others. Gottman bases his claims of specific indicators of marital success with decades of research that led him to his claims. Gottman discusses many issues, like couples arguing with harsh start-ups (very bad) and having numerous small attempts at reconciliation (very good). One focused value is an intricate knowledge of each others likes and dislikes, and of what has and is now going on in their lives. After reading, I realized a pattern came out of the book. It may have seven important applications, but I believe that the argument made in the book can really be one principle: You should treat your spouse like they are your best friend. Richard Joel likes to talk about this idea a lot, that he married his best friend. While I really do think I am about to do that, I don't think this research makes this mandatory. Your spouse doesn't need to be your best friend, but you should treat your spouse as if they were. 

       A couple of months ago, my fiance tried to subtly approach the idea of signing a Halakhik Prenup. I tried to stop her and say that it wasn't a question. The only question was when we could get together with two witnesses and do it. So a couple of weeks ago we did. I know some people think it's not romantic, talking about what will happen if you get divorced before your married. Non withstanding the fact that a Ketuba is also a document about divorce and we buy fancy ones and put them on our home's walls, I don't buy that argument for a second. What the Prenup is, and what the ketubah has been for centuries, is a precaution taken now that insures that the wife is safe even if things tragically do not work out. Now, if you had the chance right now to sign something that would make sure your best friend was safe even if your friendship withered, wouldn't you sign it unquestionably? ORA's tagline (which tbh is probably too long to go viral) is "friends don't let friends get married without a prenup". How about we start simpler. "Don't let your best friend get married without a prenup". 

        In my mind, it is this exact issue that is so upsetting about all these agunot cases that have been in the news recently. What really saddens me to think how far these relationships have gone. From best friend to enemy, all in the process of a couple years. Unquestionably, I believe that the answer to the question I posed earlier about making sure now that your friend would be safe would be in the affirmative. If something does go wrong and you do need a divorce, it will be a tangible reminder of the close friendship you and your wife had and were supposed to have, and who would let their best friend (even if it isn't that way any more) go through more pain then they have to?

The Laws and Concepts of Niddah by Rabbi Sobolofsky

I'm getting married so I wanted to do a good review in the laws of Niddah. Separate from my Rabbinic training, I felt it was important for me to review the laws I am soon going to live by, just as my future wife is. A quick note about the book itself. Rabbi Sobolofsky does a great job in going through the halachos and the ideas behind them. Many times, halakha books, and the Artscroll halakha books are notorious for this, stray away from paskining in the books. Not willing to paskin even in places where it is clear, creates a perception that all the sources quoted are taken equally. What that does is give a machmir tone (perhaps they are trying to do this). Rabbi Sobolofsky does not fall into this trap. He tells it as he sees it, and when there is disagreement, he lets you know, but he says it as it is, whether it means being lenient or strict at that time. I have seen more and more Rabeim that are scared to do this even in conversations with prospective Rabbis. Whether it be a humble attitude, a deference to Rabbis that are more knowledgeable, or a fearful Rabbinate, the honesty in this book was refreshing.  We need a Rabbinate that is able to actively engage the issues of our time. It is therefore important to acknowledge it when I see it. Although the depth of quotations leaves some to be desired, but a consequence of that is that it becomes an easier read. If you're looking to get a better view of the technicalities of Hilchot Niddah, this is a very good read.